God Will Finish What He Starts

“Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6

When I read that scripture from Philippians, I am whisked back in time.  I can see myself sitting upon a parked 4-wheeler in my back yard, hiding in the darkness.  In one hand a glass filled to the brim with whiskey and coke, a straw protruding from the top.  The straw was vital.  It allowed me to consume the contents of the glass quickly so that within minutes the effects would take hold.  I held a cigarette in my other hand.  This was my nightly ritual for many months.  I wanted nothing more than to escape but I couldn’t.  Night after night I would drink and smoke and cuss and cry…and pray.  Lifting my eyes to the dark sky, I would shake my fist at God and cuss Him one minute then beg Him to make it all stop the next.  I felt so alone.  Inside the house sat my sons…I had emotionally abandoned them.  Their mom couldn’t cope.  It was such a sad time in our household.

I was broken.  My heart crushed into powder.  Life as I knew it was over and I didn’t know how to move on.  I wanted it all to stop and for everything to go back to normal, even though normal wasn’t normal at all.  I didn’t know what to do with the excruciating pain and the consuming emptiness.  How was I supposed to deal with that?  Alcohol and cigarettes became my best friends, yet my actions didn't reflect who I truly was.  I knew I wasn’t that kind of woman anymore.  I had given all that up when Jesus came into my life and changed me, now here I was back again.  Amidst my drunkenness, I knew that I was in danger of completely walking away from God.  The fear of not having the Lord in my life added to my pain.  I couldn’t lose Him, too.  But God being God, He reminded me of that scripture.  Intermingled with the cussing and rants, I begged Him not to let me go.  I’d tell Him, “You promised that you started a good work in me and You would carry it on until the day of the Lord Jesus Christ.  If You let me go, I will be lost forever!  Please don’t let me go!”  He didn’t let me go—He held me all the tighter.

As I recall that time in my life, the tears flow, but they aren’t the same kind of tears as they were back then.  These are tears of gratitude to a God Who is faithful.  When I had given up on myself, He hadn’t give up on me.  He continues to change me day by day and He will continue for the rest of my life, until the day that I meet Jesus face-to-face.

Light Within

My rage flourishing into spite

No one can do anything right.

An obscene gesture here and a curse word there

More meanness in me than my own heart can bear.

What good is this dreadful world anyway?

Don’t want to wake up to another day.

Reaching the bottom of a vast, dark pit

All alone, here I sit.

The hustle and bustle of people all around,

But not one clear face and not one sound.

Even in the mirror, I cannot see

What’s deep inside, the real, true me.

There are feelings in there…

Somewhere

The little girl that used to play

And dance and sing her day away

Now just an empty shell

Drifting along in a living hell.

Where now do I go?

Just let the anger flow.

A mother, a wife, why can’t I see

All the love that’s surrounding me?

Then one day a Light appeared

Deep inside and took my fear.

He showed me how to love

Thank you my Father up above

For lifting me out of that deadly strife

And giving to me a brand new life

With purpose and joy, a peace complete

Knowing my troubles, even the least

Are miraculously taken away

As I get on my knees and pray.

I ask Him to forgive,

In return He shows me how to live.

Just love Him completely with all my heart and soul.

It was He that I needed to make me whole.

Nothing on this earth can ever compare

To the sea of love that I find there

In God’s wonderfully loving arms.

He keeps me from any harm.

He guides my footsteps, to where? I do not know.

I must drop everything and go

My Creator, Redeemer, He’s taken my sin

No longer a part of this world I live in.

All because of my loving Jesus

I now know that He never leaves us.

If you’re in that vast dark hole

Having no other place to go.

Look up my friend and you’ll find comfort there

In the strong arms of our Savior where there is no despair

Sabrina Jeanise

November, 1999

It's a Heart Issue

And he (Rehoboam) did evil, because he prepared not his heart to seek the Lord—2 Chronicles 12:14

It’s easy to get swept away in the busyness of life.  There are deadlines to meet, children to shuffle off to school, work to be done.  Life is a never ending battle with each issue vying for our attention.  We are all given the same amount of time with which to work.  The very same 1,440 minutes in a day and we need to be careful how we use them.  Once they are gone, we can never get them back.

Every day, I find myself jumping out of bed and hitting the floor running.  I jet to work, then school and then back to work again (the same day).  I am always running back and forth, my mind at top speed.  Those who work with me know what I am talking about.  I love what I do and despite my full-speed ahead, crazy busy life, I do it with a smile on my face and a glad heart.  It’s all good!!  But there is something that is not good, and I’m realizing the effects.

Here lately, my time with the Lord has been just as hurried as everything else, and it’s beginning to show.  I feel it in my heart…literally.  I can feel remnants of the old me, the one who was crucified with Christ, dead and buried, resurrecting and scratching her way through the grimy dirt and seeking to surface.  Yea, I know that sounds creepy, because IT IS!!  During the day, when I feel that old Sabrina, I whisper a half-hearted prayer to keep her at bay.  This is not sufficient.  My strength comes from the Lord and Him alone!  He promises in His precious Word that if I draw nigh to Him, He will draw nigh to me (James 4:8).  That scripture goes on to say, Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.   Unless, I do as the Word commands and what my heart knows is right, that angry, hateful and horrible Sabrina will break forth and my relationship with my Jesus will be the sacrifice, and I WILL NOT make that sacrifice.  I am so grateful that the Lord we serve is One Who is merciful and gracious and forgiving.

Why am I telling off on myself?  1 John 1:9 tells us, ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,’ and I need that forgiveness and cleansing.  The reason I am broadcasting it along the web-waves is as a testimony and a warning.  We can sacrifice many things in life, but the one thing that we cannot sacrifice is our walk with Jesus.  By walking away from Him, we lose EVERYTHING.  Eternity with Him is lost, true joy and peace is lost, His guidance and protection is lost, and our children could be lost to the very same fate because they follow our example.  This is not a sacrifice I am willing to make.  I love my Jesus, and I can’t live without Him.  He is the beat of my heart and the breath in my lungs.

I encourage you to examine yourself and your walk with Him.  Is He last on your list?  An afterthought?  Do you only give lip service and not heart service?  If you’ve answered yes to one or more of these questions, turn your heart back to Him.  His forgiveness and help is only a prayer away.

I truly love you, beautiful people!  Be blessed and walk daily in the Lord.