Light Within

My rage flourishing into spite

No one can do anything right.

An obscene gesture here and a curse word there

More meanness in me than my own heart can bear.

What good is this dreadful world anyway?

Don’t want to wake up to another day.

Reaching the bottom of a vast, dark pit

All alone, here I sit.

The hustle and bustle of people all around,

But not one clear face and not one sound.

Even in the mirror, I cannot see

What’s deep inside, the real, true me.

There are feelings in there…

Somewhere

The little girl that used to play

And dance and sing her day away

Now just an empty shell

Drifting along in a living hell.

Where now do I go?

Just let the anger flow.

A mother, a wife, why can’t I see

All the love that’s surrounding me?

Then one day a Light appeared

Deep inside and took my fear.

He showed me how to love

Thank you my Father up above

For lifting me out of that deadly strife

And giving to me a brand new life

With purpose and joy, a peace complete

Knowing my troubles, even the least

Are miraculously taken away

As I get on my knees and pray.

I ask Him to forgive,

In return He shows me how to live.

Just love Him completely with all my heart and soul.

It was He that I needed to make me whole.

Nothing on this earth can ever compare

To the sea of love that I find there

In God’s wonderfully loving arms.

He keeps me from any harm.

He guides my footsteps, to where? I do not know.

I must drop everything and go

My Creator, Redeemer, He’s taken my sin

No longer a part of this world I live in.

All because of my loving Jesus

I now know that He never leaves us.

If you’re in that vast dark hole

Having no other place to go.

Look up my friend and you’ll find comfort there

In the strong arms of our Savior where there is no despair

Sabrina Jeanise

November, 1999

It's a Heart Issue

And he (Rehoboam) did evil, because he prepared not his heart to seek the Lord—2 Chronicles 12:14

It’s easy to get swept away in the busyness of life.  There are deadlines to meet, children to shuffle off to school, work to be done.  Life is a never ending battle with each issue vying for our attention.  We are all given the same amount of time with which to work.  The very same 1,440 minutes in a day and we need to be careful how we use them.  Once they are gone, we can never get them back.

Every day, I find myself jumping out of bed and hitting the floor running.  I jet to work, then school and then back to work again (the same day).  I am always running back and forth, my mind at top speed.  Those who work with me know what I am talking about.  I love what I do and despite my full-speed ahead, crazy busy life, I do it with a smile on my face and a glad heart.  It’s all good!!  But there is something that is not good, and I’m realizing the effects.

Here lately, my time with the Lord has been just as hurried as everything else, and it’s beginning to show.  I feel it in my heart…literally.  I can feel remnants of the old me, the one who was crucified with Christ, dead and buried, resurrecting and scratching her way through the grimy dirt and seeking to surface.  Yea, I know that sounds creepy, because IT IS!!  During the day, when I feel that old Sabrina, I whisper a half-hearted prayer to keep her at bay.  This is not sufficient.  My strength comes from the Lord and Him alone!  He promises in His precious Word that if I draw nigh to Him, He will draw nigh to me (James 4:8).  That scripture goes on to say, Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.   Unless, I do as the Word commands and what my heart knows is right, that angry, hateful and horrible Sabrina will break forth and my relationship with my Jesus will be the sacrifice, and I WILL NOT make that sacrifice.  I am so grateful that the Lord we serve is One Who is merciful and gracious and forgiving.

Why am I telling off on myself?  1 John 1:9 tells us, ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,’ and I need that forgiveness and cleansing.  The reason I am broadcasting it along the web-waves is as a testimony and a warning.  We can sacrifice many things in life, but the one thing that we cannot sacrifice is our walk with Jesus.  By walking away from Him, we lose EVERYTHING.  Eternity with Him is lost, true joy and peace is lost, His guidance and protection is lost, and our children could be lost to the very same fate because they follow our example.  This is not a sacrifice I am willing to make.  I love my Jesus, and I can’t live without Him.  He is the beat of my heart and the breath in my lungs.

I encourage you to examine yourself and your walk with Him.  Is He last on your list?  An afterthought?  Do you only give lip service and not heart service?  If you’ve answered yes to one or more of these questions, turn your heart back to Him.  His forgiveness and help is only a prayer away.

I truly love you, beautiful people!  Be blessed and walk daily in the Lord.

Reflections...

I wrote this in January, 2016...

I have willingly given my life over to the Lord; it is no longer mine, but His.  I walk each day in faith that His plan for my life is playing out the way He intended, despite my humanness, innumerable mistakes, countless detours, fits of rebelliousness…that list could go on.  It’s taken many years to get to this point and the process is not a finished one and won’t be until I draw my last breath here on earth and claim my eternal inheritance.

God is good.  He has the best intentions for each of us and waits patiently for us to decide to get on board with His plan.  He nudges us, stirs our hearts, and sends people across our path in an effort to get our attention and it is up to us to embrace salvation in Jesus and walk in His love and plan.  You see, He is a gentleman and will not force Himself on us or make us do something that we don’t want to do, but when one of His children accepts the invitation…life gets a little more adventurous….well truthfully, a lot more adventurous.

I’ve shared before and will share again that my life is nothing at all like I pictured it would be.  Since I’ve chosen to walk His path and not my own, He’s brought me to a much different place than I ever imagined.  On the brink of a new year, I reflect on times past.  So much has changed in a short amount of time…some changes are good and some are heartbreaking.  Right now, in my walk with Him, it’s heartbreaking.  He’s brought me to a place of isolation and aloneness.  I’ve had to leave everyone and everything behind.  The Word tells us in Isaiah 55:8-9, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts that your thoughts.”  I am not understanding His plan, but that is the essence of faith…I must trust in Him.

Since I’ve followed His leading and walked through the door that He’s opened for me, I ramble around this beautiful apartment that He has provided.  I have unpacked and settled in with the little I brought with me.  The dining and living areas sit empty and echo with every small sound…I trust Him to fill them in His time.  In the week that I’ve lived here, I have spent countless hours lying in bed crying, mindlessly watching TV and sleeping in an effort to fill the void that has become my life.  There is a purpose for it, He will take me to places I’ve never been and good will come from it, but it is time for me to stop wallowing in my self-pity and get on with life in spite of the constant ache in my heart and the sadness that threatens to consume me.

I must move forward in His plan.  He stirs within me the desire to finish writing a story that I’ve started and He provides ideas for new ones that are patiently waiting to be written, that blank page that desires to be transformed into a work of art guided by the Hand of God.  I’ve not been able to look past my pain to see the wonderful newness that beckons me, but it is time.  Follow in His leading good people.  Trust in Him.  It is time…