Where's My Adventure?

Today at work as I took a few minutes to brew myself a cup of coffee, a thought occurred to me. My life is so mundane. I’m not necessarily unhappy with it…the everydayness of it is quite comfortable. The blessings that God has bestowed upon me are innumerable and I am very grateful, but there are desires that burn deep within my heart. These desires step out of the mundane and into a life of adventure—a life I never knew existed.

The Word tells us in Psalm 37:4, “Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” In this passage, the definition of delight means to be pliable. The verse before it says to ‘trust in the Lord and do good.’ Now here, the definition of ‘trust’ means to put confidence in and to ‘do good’ means to be joyful. Hmmm…put my confidence in Him, be joyful and pliable. 

It was through the toughest times of my life that I learned of God’s faithfulness. When I spent years walking through the fire, He was right beside me. When my dwelling place was in the pit of despair, He was there. Never once did He leave me. Every heartache and pain that I will endure…He is already there. God uses these hardships to shape me into the woman He created me to be. My job is to step aside and let Him accomplish His will in me. I know that no tear I cry is in vain. This is a lifelong process as I continue to grow in Him and continue to place my confidence in Him. Not every day is a joyful one. The Bible says that weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). I am never alone—He is ever with me.

Remember those desires I was talking about? Well, those are stored in my heart. God knows them. I firmly believe He planted them there, but my focus isn’t on them, it’s on Him. He is my joy and my strength. He is my all-in-all. He is my everything. Without Him, I am nothing. Without Him, I can do nothing. I have confidence that in His timing He will bring my desires to fruition. How do I know? Because they center around Him and bring Him glory.

God Was My Scapegoat

“Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded.  “Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me.  I went away full, but the Lord has brought me home empty.  Why call me Naomi when the Lord has caused me to suffer and the Almighty has sent such tragedy upon me?”  Ruth 1:20-21

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my second child.  It came as a complete surprise.  Dr. Williams walked into the tiny examining room and said, “Well, you’re pregnant.”  A mixture of feelings swirled inside me—shock, joy…guilt.  I was a twenty-two year old married woman living with another man, and the child growing in my womb did not belong to my estranged husband.  A few months later, my divorce was final and I was free from that unwanted marriage.  All the while, my boyfriend and I anxiously anticipated the arrival of our son.  Then tragedy struck.  This long-awaited baby boy was born with a heart condition and one month later his precious little life ended.  A myriad of questions bombarded my grief stricken heart.  Why did this happen?  Was I such a bad person that God chose to do this to me?  Why did God kill my baby?  On and on the questions kept coming.  I placed the blame of my son’s death squarely on the shoulders of God.  He became my scapegoat.  This big, invisible, mean, judgmental God Who could have chosen to let my baby live allowed this to happen.  

My reasoning to blame God was flawed.  Not once before this happened did I even consider God.  He was farthest my mind.  Why?  Because I couldn’t in all good conscious live the way I was living and consider a Holy God.  It was only after my baby was born sick that I turned to Him, as humbly as I knew how, to pray for my son to be made well and when my prayers weren’t answered it was all God’s fault.  How dare I point my finger at God and not take blame for my own actions?  Had I asked God before I married my first husband, I wouldn’t have gone through with it.  Had I talked to God about living with my boyfriend, I wouldn’t have done it.  Had I asked God if it was ok for me to commit adultery and give birth to a child out of wedlock, the answer would have been no.  By choosing to ignore Him, I could live any way I wanted, but I had no right to blame Him for the tragedy that befell me.  If I taken the time to get to know God and ask His advice, I am positive He would have tried to steer me on a better path.  But I didn’t and took my life into my own hands.  I alone was accountable for my actions.

Tragedies happen.  It is a part of life.  Some things happen as a direct result of the choices we make, while others happen because—let’s face it—bad things happen.  People get sick and die, jobs are lost, children become wayward, spouses leave…the list is never ending.  I encourage you not to wait for the difficulties in life to call on God.  Get to know Him.  You will find that He is a loving, caring and compassionate Creator Who is full of grace and mercy.  He beckons you to come to Him in the good times and the bad.  Read His Word, spend time with Him and learn of Him, and when the time comes that you are faced with tragedy, you won’t blame Him—you’ll run to Him.

Light Within

My rage flourishing into spite

No one can do anything right.

An obscene gesture here and a curse word there

More meanness in me than my own heart can bear.

What good is this dreadful world anyway?

Don’t want to wake up to another day.

Reaching the bottom of a vast, dark pit

All alone, here I sit.

The hustle and bustle of people all around,

But not one clear face and not one sound.

Even in the mirror, I cannot see

What’s deep inside, the real, true me.

There are feelings in there…

Somewhere

The little girl that used to play

And dance and sing her day away

Now just an empty shell

Drifting along in a living hell.

Where now do I go?

Just let the anger flow.

A mother, a wife, why can’t I see

All the love that’s surrounding me?

Then one day a Light appeared

Deep inside and took my fear.

He showed me how to love

Thank you my Father up above

For lifting me out of that deadly strife

And giving to me a brand new life

With purpose and joy, a peace complete

Knowing my troubles, even the least

Are miraculously taken away

As I get on my knees and pray.

I ask Him to forgive,

In return He shows me how to live.

Just love Him completely with all my heart and soul.

It was He that I needed to make me whole.

Nothing on this earth can ever compare

To the sea of love that I find there

In God’s wonderfully loving arms.

He keeps me from any harm.

He guides my footsteps, to where? I do not know.

I must drop everything and go

My Creator, Redeemer, He’s taken my sin

No longer a part of this world I live in.

All because of my loving Jesus

I now know that He never leaves us.

If you’re in that vast dark hole

Having no other place to go.

Look up my friend and you’ll find comfort there

In the strong arms of our Savior where there is no despair

Sabrina Jeanise

November, 1999