It was the beginning of the demise of my marriage that set my feet on a path that was heart wrenching but became one of my biggest blessings. It was one of the most difficult times in my life which I liken unto the death of my son, that same grief day after day for seven years. I couldn’t see past my own pain. I dulled it with alcohol, but it never went away. I lived in a perpetual zombie-like state, barely functioning day-to-day. Like twirling winds, my emotions were so erratic I thought I was losing my mind. I’d sit, drink, cry and curse…and pray. I talked to God the whole time. What did He do with the mess of a woman I was, with my foul mouth and drunken state? He listened to me, He cried with me, He loved me and He changed me. He was the only One Who understood. He took His mighty hand and gently scooped up the ashes of my heart and with the kind of Love only a Father can give, particle by particle, He pieced my heart back together with His love and His tears for my pain. He knew I had to go through it. He knew this was a road I had walk, for my own sake and for His glory, and He never left my side.
He walks with me to this very day. You see, He has a plan for my life and His plan will prevail regardless of my hardships. Once a caterpillar wrapped in a cocoon of the pain of growth, I emerged a butterfly, spreading my beautiful wings. I fly carried along by the winds of His Spirit. His work in me is not finished and won’t be until I draw my last breath. I live differently now. I walk each day in an effort to guard my heart in Him. I beg Him to continue to change me into the woman of God I was born to be and to fulfill His plans and purpose for my life. I strive to listen for His still small voice to guide my footsteps.
I am an ambassador for Christ, living for a Higher Calling, setting my wants and my desires at the foot of the Cross of Jesus and trusting Him. It is a crucifying of my flesh and a dying to myself. I have areas that keep resurrecting and I keep crucifying. I lay things at the Cross and turn and pick them up once again. It is a daily process, sometimes a minute to minute one. Even when I slip and am unfaithful, He is faithful. It is in His love, grace and mercy that I reside and it is here that I am safest.
