God Was My Scapegoat

“Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded.  “Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me.  I went away full, but the Lord has brought me home empty.  Why call me Naomi when the Lord has caused me to suffer and the Almighty has sent such tragedy upon me?”  Ruth 1:20-21

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my second child.  It came as a complete surprise.  Dr. Williams walked into the tiny examining room and said, “Well, you’re pregnant.”  A mixture of feelings swirled inside me—shock, joy…guilt.  I was a twenty-two year old married woman living with another man, and the child growing in my womb did not belong to my estranged husband.  A few months later, my divorce was final and I was free from that unwanted marriage.  All the while, my boyfriend and I anxiously anticipated the arrival of our son.  Then tragedy struck.  This long-awaited baby boy was born with a heart condition and one month later his precious little life ended.  A myriad of questions bombarded my grief stricken heart.  Why did this happen?  Was I such a bad person that God chose to do this to me?  Why did God kill my baby?  On and on the questions kept coming.  I placed the blame of my son’s death squarely on the shoulders of God.  He became my scapegoat.  This big, invisible, mean, judgmental God Who could have chosen to let my baby live allowed this to happen.  

My reasoning to blame God was flawed.  Not once before this happened did I even consider God.  He was farthest my mind.  Why?  Because I couldn’t in all good conscious live the way I was living and consider a Holy God.  It was only after my baby was born sick that I turned to Him, as humbly as I knew how, to pray for my son to be made well and when my prayers weren’t answered it was all God’s fault.  How dare I point my finger at God and not take blame for my own actions?  Had I asked God before I married my first husband, I wouldn’t have gone through with it.  Had I talked to God about living with my boyfriend, I wouldn’t have done it.  Had I asked God if it was ok for me to commit adultery and give birth to a child out of wedlock, the answer would have been no.  By choosing to ignore Him, I could live any way I wanted, but I had no right to blame Him for the tragedy that befell me.  If I taken the time to get to know God and ask His advice, I am positive He would have tried to steer me on a better path.  But I didn’t and took my life into my own hands.  I alone was accountable for my actions.

Tragedies happen.  It is a part of life.  Some things happen as a direct result of the choices we make, while others happen because—let’s face it—bad things happen.  People get sick and die, jobs are lost, children become wayward, spouses leave…the list is never ending.  I encourage you not to wait for the difficulties in life to call on God.  Get to know Him.  You will find that He is a loving, caring and compassionate Creator Who is full of grace and mercy.  He beckons you to come to Him in the good times and the bad.  Read His Word, spend time with Him and learn of Him, and when the time comes that you are faced with tragedy, you won’t blame Him—you’ll run to Him.

Light Within

My rage flourishing into spite

No one can do anything right.

An obscene gesture here and a curse word there

More meanness in me than my own heart can bear.

What good is this dreadful world anyway?

Don’t want to wake up to another day.

Reaching the bottom of a vast, dark pit

All alone, here I sit.

The hustle and bustle of people all around,

But not one clear face and not one sound.

Even in the mirror, I cannot see

What’s deep inside, the real, true me.

There are feelings in there…

Somewhere

The little girl that used to play

And dance and sing her day away

Now just an empty shell

Drifting along in a living hell.

Where now do I go?

Just let the anger flow.

A mother, a wife, why can’t I see

All the love that’s surrounding me?

Then one day a Light appeared

Deep inside and took my fear.

He showed me how to love

Thank you my Father up above

For lifting me out of that deadly strife

And giving to me a brand new life

With purpose and joy, a peace complete

Knowing my troubles, even the least

Are miraculously taken away

As I get on my knees and pray.

I ask Him to forgive,

In return He shows me how to live.

Just love Him completely with all my heart and soul.

It was He that I needed to make me whole.

Nothing on this earth can ever compare

To the sea of love that I find there

In God’s wonderfully loving arms.

He keeps me from any harm.

He guides my footsteps, to where? I do not know.

I must drop everything and go

My Creator, Redeemer, He’s taken my sin

No longer a part of this world I live in.

All because of my loving Jesus

I now know that He never leaves us.

If you’re in that vast dark hole

Having no other place to go.

Look up my friend and you’ll find comfort there

In the strong arms of our Savior where there is no despair

Sabrina Jeanise

November, 1999

It's a Heart Issue

And he (Rehoboam) did evil, because he prepared not his heart to seek the Lord—2 Chronicles 12:14

It’s easy to get swept away in the busyness of life.  There are deadlines to meet, children to shuffle off to school, work to be done.  Life is a never ending battle with each issue vying for our attention.  We are all given the same amount of time with which to work.  The very same 1,440 minutes in a day and we need to be careful how we use them.  Once they are gone, we can never get them back.

Every day, I find myself jumping out of bed and hitting the floor running.  I jet to work, then school and then back to work again (the same day).  I am always running back and forth, my mind at top speed.  Those who work with me know what I am talking about.  I love what I do and despite my full-speed ahead, crazy busy life, I do it with a smile on my face and a glad heart.  It’s all good!!  But there is something that is not good, and I’m realizing the effects.

Here lately, my time with the Lord has been just as hurried as everything else, and it’s beginning to show.  I feel it in my heart…literally.  I can feel remnants of the old me, the one who was crucified with Christ, dead and buried, resurrecting and scratching her way through the grimy dirt and seeking to surface.  Yea, I know that sounds creepy, because IT IS!!  During the day, when I feel that old Sabrina, I whisper a half-hearted prayer to keep her at bay.  This is not sufficient.  My strength comes from the Lord and Him alone!  He promises in His precious Word that if I draw nigh to Him, He will draw nigh to me (James 4:8).  That scripture goes on to say, Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.   Unless, I do as the Word commands and what my heart knows is right, that angry, hateful and horrible Sabrina will break forth and my relationship with my Jesus will be the sacrifice, and I WILL NOT make that sacrifice.  I am so grateful that the Lord we serve is One Who is merciful and gracious and forgiving.

Why am I telling off on myself?  1 John 1:9 tells us, ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,’ and I need that forgiveness and cleansing.  The reason I am broadcasting it along the web-waves is as a testimony and a warning.  We can sacrifice many things in life, but the one thing that we cannot sacrifice is our walk with Jesus.  By walking away from Him, we lose EVERYTHING.  Eternity with Him is lost, true joy and peace is lost, His guidance and protection is lost, and our children could be lost to the very same fate because they follow our example.  This is not a sacrifice I am willing to make.  I love my Jesus, and I can’t live without Him.  He is the beat of my heart and the breath in my lungs.

I encourage you to examine yourself and your walk with Him.  Is He last on your list?  An afterthought?  Do you only give lip service and not heart service?  If you’ve answered yes to one or more of these questions, turn your heart back to Him.  His forgiveness and help is only a prayer away.

I truly love you, beautiful people!  Be blessed and walk daily in the Lord.